My choices

I woke up from a dream tonight that sent me deep into a rabbit hole of self inspection. Basically, over the last couple months, I’ve been exploring the patterns I follow. Tonight I think my subconscious was trying to open another door for me.

The dream: I was sitting in a large-ish room with quite a few tables and chairs with over flow chairs surrounding the room. Fast forward through the weird dreamy shit and I find myself trying to find another seat in this room that is now packed with people. I find a seat in between two women. One graciously offers the seat while the other goes off telling me I can sit there as long as I don’t try to fuck her. She mutters something about “motherfuckers” to which I respond that a motherfucker is born every minute which, in my dream is very witty. I said it with the intent to make her laugh and get her to accept me. In my dream I was repeating an old pattern that I follow in real life; take the hardest path and love the woman who is unwilling, unable, or simply doesnt want to love me.

Meanwhile the gracious girl is accepting of me and I couldn’t care less.

I started thinking about this and how many times I had fucked this up in the past. In highschool there was Alli; she was sweet, extremely kind, quiet, and cute. She actually bought me the Genuwine CD cause it had come up in conversation. There was Kris who was confident, quirky, fun, loud, had an infectious laugh, also cute and had asked me to homecoming. Then there was this girl I met during a summer through a friend. I don’t remember much about her except that I was intimidated by her (in a good way) and she seemed to like me.

I didn’t pursue a relationship with any of them for a number of highschool reasons but I did chase after Liz… she was an enigma. Closed off emotionally but larger than life outwardly. I couldn’t get enough of her.

In college I asked a girl out who had never returned more than a “hello” despite the fact that we sat next to each other all semester. At the same time I ignored all the fun and crazy times Steph and I had partying and hanging out just the two of us (she probably ended up thinking I was gay). I never allowed myself to get into an actual relationship with Beth who thought I was awesome and who was pretty awesome herself.

So why not? Well, shit. I dont really have any clue. I got a ton of guesses though.

  • I didnt think I was worthy of being loved?
  • I don’t trust things that come too easy.
  • I’m a low-key masochist.
  • I’m a codependent drawn to narcissistic traits

I suspect that as I continue with therapy I’ll dig into these more.

In the mean time. I might suggest to myself and others to start paying attention to your patterns of behavior.

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